My Week as a Dear Abby Column

Dear Abby,
You are a syndicated column, which means you are known all over the country. Would you please advise the general public that a three-day weekend should become a social norm?
-Miserable on Monday

Dear Abby, The phone company has had to come to my home three times this week. Each time they would fix the phone and the next day it wouldn’t work again. I’m beginning to see them more than my friends. If this keeps up, will I be expected to remember the technicians’ birthdays and send them a Christmas letter in December?
-Phoneless but Phriendly

Dear Abby,
The other day in my gym's sauna a woman spread out her towel as I walked in. She did not even attempt to make room for me as she sprawled from one wall to the other. I was certainly frustrated at the complete disregard, but eventually moved on. A couple days later I returned to find a different woman having an extremely loud conversation on her cell phone. She made no effort to hang up or even quiet her voice to a regular conversational level as I laid my head back and shut my eyes. About a minute later, realizing she had no intention of ending the cell yell, I gave up, took a shower and went to my locker. I could still hear her through the shut sauna door, on the other side of the wall and down a row of lockers. Would it be inappropriate to dump a bucket of ice water on people like this to ensure a relaxing sauna for myself?
-Heated

Dear Abby,
The water in my shower backs up at certain times of the day (i.e. times when I need to use it). It is not only inconvenient, but pretty sickening when the drain water backs up into my bathtub. My specific drain is not clogged because other times of the day it works just fine. I know it is something my apartment manager should deal with, but every time the manager "fixes" something it ends up worse than before. Should I try to deal with this on my own or take the risk of my bathtub being destroyed?
-Clogged and Clueless

Dear Abby,
Recently I discovered that some ladies from my church are smuggling illegal substances across the border. Does it make me an accomplice if I look the other way... and chuckle. I guess I should mention that the the substance is dishwasher soap containing phosphates* and the border is between Washington and Idaho.
-Washed up in Washington
*Washington has outlawed any soap containing phosphates. While environmentally responsible, the phosphate free soap really just covers the food on your dirty dishes with a soapy film. I eat off the soap filmy dishes as my civic duty.

Dear Abby,
I'm really looking forward to Friday. Have you convinced the general public that we need to switch to a three day weekend yet?
-Here's to Hoping (A.K.A Deanna)